The Very Secret Diaries of Smallville
by LaCasta
Summary: UPDATED: The Very Secret Diary of Dr. Helen Bryce. Concept based on Cassandra Claire's version for Lord of the Rings. Rated for multiple entendres. Usual disclaimer.
1. Default Chapter

These are inspired by the Very Secret Diaries from the Lord of the Rings. Humble bows to their originator. These will make lots more sense if you're familiar with those.  
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEX LUTHOR  
  
Woke up, checked. Still not President. Damn.  
  
Another morning. Still not President. Am developing philosophical attitude towards this. "Sic bisquitas disintegrat," I tell myself, while breathing deeply. Think I'll buy some more clothes. Black for a change?  
  
Dammit, I WANNA BE PRESIDENT! NOW!  
  
This place is strange. Former creamed corn capital of the world, HAH! More like concussion capital of the world. I bet it's also full of pervy cow-fanciers.  
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF LIONEL LUTHOR  
  
Luthors don't have regrets. Nonetheless, rather wish that I hadn't pantsed Bill Gates so often.  
  
Wonder why Lex insists on staying in the aptly named Smallville. Wouldn't just the name give most men the creeps?   
  
New shampoo does provide both bounce and lightness. Must buy more. No. Must buy company and have them make it just for me.  
  
Query to self: Is it "Bwahahaha" or "Mwahahaha?" Must get that settled before launching evil plans of hair control.   
  
Lex still says he wants to stay in Smallville. Hope he hasn't turned into a pervy cow-fancier. That's just what I need. "Dad, meet Bessie." "Moo." But then, it would mean no way she'd have better hair. Hee.  
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF LANA LANG  
  
Wandered into new aisle at drugstore. Makeup *remover*! What will they think up next?  
  
Whee! Today, nobody stalked or was otherwise obsessed with me! It does make life kinda boring, though.   
  
Shouldn't have said anything. Stalked by another meteor freak. Note to self: Consider learning basics of self-preservation. Is there a class somewhere or maybe a book?  
  
Favorite shampoo no longer made any more. I've gotten from Denial to Anger to Bargaining.  
  
Reached Acceptance.  
  
Clark keeps telescope turned to pastures. Suspected truth all along. He's a pervy cow-fancier!  
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF MARTHA KENT  
  
Clark didn't develop any new powers. Hoping that he'll develop power to clean hair out of shower trap but no luck.  
  
Offered job by unscrupulous business man. Husband hates it. Son (no new powers) is dubious about whole thing. Life is good.  
  
Went out and bought new lingerie. Hoping to reintroduce some steamy passion to marriage. Will update tomorrow. Hope to be writing in red and using lots of dirty words!  
  
Planning to use lots of dirty words. All about Jonathan. Black lace. Zip. Red silk about the size of dental floss. Didn't raise his eyes (or anything else). Husband saw Holstein pattern got as joke for mom--that did it for him. Jonathan should have said something when introduced self. "My name is Jonathan and I'm a pervy cow-fancier." 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here's a link to the original Very Secret Diaries. Hysterical, even if you aren't familiar with Lord of the Rings. http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/ (Probably will also make these make more sense.)  
  
Sorry, could have been clearer that para breaks are the mark of new entries.   
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF PETE ROSS  
  
Monday: I wonder if anybody will pay attention to me today. While waiting, discovered no really good anagrams of my name, it's more tiring twiddling your thumbs backwards rather than forward, and that I can balance a ballpoint pen on the back of my wrist for exactly 83 seconds. Go me!  
  
Tuesday: Clark says I fired a gun at Lex Luthor. Go me! Wish I'd videotaped it. I never get to appear on videotapes. Maybe there's a security tape? Naah. I'm not that lucky. But still, go me!  
  
Saturday: Bio teacher tried to make Jonathan Kent shoot Lex Luthor. Go Mr. Kent! But still. Should have been my chance. I have qualifications for that! I even have experience in Luthor-shooting! But nooooooo. That "nooooooo" looks a lot like "mooooooo." Thought: Maybe cows will let me act for them and would pay attention?   
  
Thursday: Found spaceship. Figure that this will mean lots of people will pay attention to me!   
  
Friday: Figures. Spaceship belongs to Clark.   
  
Sunday: Added "and Clark is from God knows where" to his copy of "Men are from Mars." Maybe if he appreciates it, people will pay attention to me?  
  
Monday: Nobody noticed. Will see if I can get cows to let me act for a few minutes.  
  
Tuesday: Farmers get mad when you try to act out scenes for their cows. One of them even called me a pervy cow-fancier! Note to self: Good thing picked King Lear and not Romeo and Juliet.   
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF CLARK KENT  
  
Monday: Another person nearly found out my secret but got shot at the last minute. Watched Lana some. Saw upper lip move once. Probably my fault. Or maybe because of hornet landing on her lip. Don't have heat under enough control to fry it from loft. My fault.   
  
Tuesday: Another day, another person nearly found out my secret but got shot at the last minute. Moped some. Fortress of Solitude cheesy name. Should have asked Dad to name it "Where the hot chicks swarm." Rethought that. Maybe not. Probably my fault.   
  
Friday: Pete did find out my secret but nobody shot him. Don't get it. But good! He makes me look taller. Even in flannel, I'm the prettiest!  
  
Tuesday: In the bar, those guys were definitely checking out my butt. Not Jessie's. Still the prettiest! So definitely my fault!   
  
Wednesday: Bad weather. My fault.   
  
Thursday: Thought somebody was checking me out while doing chores so obligingly took off shirt. They were pointing at the herd instead. Pervy cow fanciers. I'M the prettiest!   
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF JONATHAN KENT  
  
Monday: Nearly ran out of platitudes. Had to call in homespun wisdom instead. Scary moment! But's it's all behind us now. Can't look back or cry over spilled milk. Well, nearly spilled milk. Stupid metaphors.   
  
Wednesday: Lex Luthor was wearing leather again. Waste of a perfectly good cow. Stupid Luthors. Pervy dead cow skin-fancier.   
  
Saturday: Tried to shoot Lex Luthor. Clark stopped me. Stupid abilities.   
  
Sunday: Martha sulking about something. Heifers! I mean, "women." Stupid underwear. 


	3. Chapter 3

This last list is dedicated to all the spammers in the world--without your infiltration of my email inbox, I probably never would have dreamt of Smallville being full of pervy cow-fanciers. Now, you've been useful, so stop it now.  
  
VERY SECRET DIARY OF A METEOR MUTANT  
  
Monday: Got frustrated with various aspects of life. Found that if I glare right and concentrate, I can turn people to stone! And back. Don't know quite what to say to Mrs. Middleton now. Good thing she didn't actually see me do it.  
  
Tuesday: I wonder if this has something to do with a completely forgotten incident from my childhood when I was playing statues and the meteor storm started. Maybe I'll ask Chloe Sullivan.  
  
Wednesday. Chloe says "yup." Actually she said a lot more than that but gist = yup.  
  
Thursday. I'll use this power only for good.  
  
Friday. I'll use this power only for good and maybe morally neutral. Feeling odd compulsion to stalk Lana Lang.  
  
Saturday. Good, morally neutral, and morally ambiguous. Feeling odd compulsion to walk up to Lex Luthor and give him a concussion. Also to stalk Lana Lang.  
  
Tuesday. No fun. I was going to tie things up neatly by using new power to stalk Lana Lang, turn her to stone, and use her to hit Lex Luthor but Chloe tipped off Clark Kent that I have this weird power and he and that guy who hangs around with him but never gets more than a line to say stopped me.   
  
Wednesday. Named a cow Lana Lang. Am now stalking it. As long as nobody calls me a pervy cow-fancier, all should be well. 


	4. The saga continues

The Incredibly Secret Diaries of Smallville  
  
Lex Luthor's diary:  
  
Monday: Sent for a specialist from Metropolis. Now what do I do with her?  
Wednesday: Sent the specialist back.  
Thursday: Sent for another specialist from Metropolis. Saw a cow that reminded me of my mother.  
Friday: Need hearing checked, thought the second specialist muttered something about "Get over it, Oedipus" on his way back.   
Saturday: Went to a hearing specialist.  
Sunday: The cow that reminded me of my mother is under my protection.  
Monday: So is its calf. I'd try bringing them to the mansion but Jonathan Kent would kill me.  
  
Lana Lang's diary:  
  
Monday: Wonder why water was turning hot and cold all during shower.  
Tuesday: Chloe gave back eye makeup from that store I found, 24/7 for Bad Girl Whims.  
Wednesday: I knew I'd forgotten something! School.  
Thursday: Went to school. Turns out that Chloe put up a pink cardboard Lana and took it to all my classes, so nobody noticed.  
Friday: Chloe is my best friend. I wonder if I should go out with Clark. If Chloe didn't mean that I should feel free to go ahead, she wouldn't say it, right?  
Saturday: Right?   
Sunday: This is awkward. Clark and Chloe and I are all acting very weird around one another. I'd suggest a menage a trois but Jonathan Kent would kill me. 


	5. Chloe Sullivan and Lionel Luthor

More Incredibly Secret Diaries  
  
Chloe Sullivan  
  
Monday: Accidentally kind of ended up in the Department of Defense data network and looked around before realizing it.  
Tuesday: Would you believe it? Accidentally kind of ended up downloading FBI files.  
Wednesday: I really need to learn to type better. Accidentally kind of ended up reading the county government files.  
Thursday: Wonder why people from the DOD, FBI, and Lowell County are so mad at me. I was just looking around.  
Friday: Ooops. Accidentally kind of ended up in Smallville Hospital's records. Looked for Clark but didn't find anything.   
Monday: Well, since I had all that information, it seemed wrong to let it go to waste and not publish it! Why is everybody mad at me? I thought Jonathan Kent was going to kill me!   
  
Lionel Luthor  
  
Monday: Lex is being so petty about that whole blindness thing. Told him it was also an exercise in increasing my sensitivity for the disabled. Probably shouldn't have chuckled.   
Tuesday: Lex is really quite annoying with his lectures.   
Wednesday: Decided I've had enough lectures and reproachful looks. Am now feigning deafness. Lex threw quite a hissy fit. Go me!   
Thursday: Another day of feigning deafness. Lex now has a twitch in his right eye. I told him Luthors don't twitch. Go me!   
Friday: Hmm. Lex is now playing "Three blind mice" incessantly. This could become annoying.  
Saturday: Definitely annoying. Now that he's singing, with particular emphasis, "They all ran after the farmer's wife." I thought, though, it was their *tails* that she cut off.   
Sunday: Stopped feigning deafness. Sometime next week, I'll think of something else. I could try to aggravate him so much he'd move in with the Kents but Jonathan Kent would kill me. 


	6. Pete Ross and Martha Kent

Incredibly Secret Diaries of Smallville  
  
Pete Ross  
  
Monday: Just my luck. Clark says that I actually was doing and saying things yesterday but now I can't remember. The one no-sidekicking time in my life so far and I don't even get to relive it! I hope I had fun.  
Tuesday: There's a handprint *in* my car, right on the hood. I really hope I had fun.  
Thursday: We had to watch another video in biology. This time it was insects doing the nasty.   
Friday: Doesn't take Dr. Freud to guess why I had gross-out dreams about Clark's alien mating habits. Couldn't the video have been anything other than praying mantises? Hope it's not a Smallville Special, a prophetic dream, cause Lana probably needs her head and those Clark-eggs all over the loft were creepy. Eggs shouldn't levitate.  
Saturday: OTOH, what if Chloe knew that Clark probably had weird mating habits? Naaah. She'd probably just think that I meant Lana and paprika instead of chocolate sauce or powdered sugar, just a little sprinkling or maybe in a hot tub full of whipped cream, or there's always. Uh-oh! More later!  
Sunday: Oh, yeah. Aside from all the other reasons not to tell Chloe, Jonathan Kent would kill me.  
  
Martha Kent  
  
Monday: An all-American evening with the family, except for using Clark's heat vision instead of a fireplace to toast marshmallows.  
Tuesday: Clark was pretty oblivious to Jonathan's and my hints this evening. What else is new? Knowing that your teenage son might oops us right through the walls spoils the mood.  
Wednesday: Clark still oblivious. Jonathan asked him to shovel out the barn. We'd just gotten to some interesting parts when he came right back. Unless Jonathan has super-speed like Clark's, we're going to be one frustrated couple. Either that or we get nocturnal cows. I wonder if there are any?  
Thursday: Jonathan doesn't and there aren't.  
Saturday: Am I a genius or what? I slipped some extra ingredients in the cow feed. Let's see Clark shovel *that!* If Jonathan finds out, though, he'd kill me.  
Sunday: It'd be worth it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. 


	7. Jonathan Kent

More Incredibly Secret Diaries of Smallville  
  
Jonathan Kent  
  
Monday: Fooey. Set Lex Luthor up for the "tell him to milk the cows then see what he does when he comes to the bull" trick. He didn't fall for it. Just said that he suspected the bull would either not appreciate it or appreciate it too much. I had a camera ready and everything. He'd have wanted to kill me!  
Tuesday: Lex is out of the house. Left a pair of underpants. Am now contemplating sending them back "from Bill the Bull. Thanks for the memories." Maybe not. Bill might kill me.   
Wednesday: Took a while to explain to Martha when she saw me looking at underpants and grinning. She finally said she believed me. Didn't quite catch the last part about that being easier to believe than that her radar was so faulty. Scared she was going to kill me for a bit.   
Friday: That spaceship is being pretty uppity for something that Clark was in for a couple of weeks without diapers or trips outside, if you get my drift. Will remind him that I have pictures of him in Muppet pajamas if he gets ideas. Rule that, son! But if he looks like he might kill me, will reconsider. 


	8. Dr Helen Bryce

The Very Secret Diary of Dr. Helen Bryce  
  
Monday: Drop-kicked an intern. Go me! That picture in the bedroom of Oedipus Lex's mother gives me the creeps.   
  
Tuesday: Drop-kicked a Volvo. Double go me!  
  
Wednesday: If Lex asks me to "play doctor" one more time, I'll do something drastic. Drop-kick? Naaah, I'd hate to get into a rut.   
  
Thursday: He asked me another time. It's the way he smirks as though he thinks I haven't heard it a dozen times before.   
  
Friday: He showed me his little hobby room, without making a single reference to Bluebeard. I wonder if he's not feeling well? Dammit, Jim, I'm a drop-kicker, not a...oh. Yeah. Well, I suppose it's better than if he were a pervy cow-fancier.   
  
Saturday: It feels like Lex and I are playing "go fish" with a deck made of Clark Kent bits and pieces. I've got the blood, though, nyahh nyahh nyahh, nyahh nyahh!   
  
Sunday: I stepped in something a Kent cow dropped. Would have drop-kicked the cow except I couldn't tell which one it was. Might have drop-kicked them all except probably Jonathan Kent would have killed me.   
  
Monday: Lex, that's the last time you ask me to play doctor. From now on, it's a strict policy of loading into a Carribbean-bound plane, drugging you, parachuting out, and taking plane controls with me. Yay! I've found something more original than drop-kicking! Go me!   
  
  
  
  
  
AN: This one just sprang out of nowhere, as well as out of order. So I put in pervy cow-fanciers *and* Jonathan Kent killing somebody. 


End file.
